Build Your Confidence: Overcome Shyness
I was reading an article the other day on CNN about a person who thought that she was not shy but when she went to her therapist she ultimately found out that she was in fact shy in some situations and how it had affected her life till now.
After reading that article I started to search some books on overcoming shyness and came up with a book named "Goodbye to Shy: 85 shybusters that work" which I believe is a pretty good book with some really good how to and what to advice given.
Here are some of the shybusters which I want to apply to my life in the coming future:-
1. Reject imagined rejection - The next time you meet someone and you think that they don’t like you, realize that there is an overwhelming chance that you are dead wrong! It’s your own imagination working overtime. Like Sures (confident people) do instinctively, consciously look at new acquaintances for signs of acceptance - their smiles, the warmth in their eyes, and their accepting body language. “Look and ye shall find.”
2. Force yourself to observe others - It’s hard to go from nervous actor to confident filmmaker. But force yourself to consciously notice other people, what they’re wearing, how confident they look, how they’re reacting to situations and other people - not you. Give yourself full permission to be “judgmental.” just like watching a movie, observe them and form opinions. Forcing yourself to ask “What do I think of them?” chases “What do they think of me?” right out of your mind.
3. You’re better than you think you are - Heed the studies. It’s an open-and-shut case. People like you a lot more than you think they do. You performed a lot better in past situations than you think you did. Your rejection is greatly imagined. Think of this the next time you face an intimidating situation. Repeat to yourself, “People like me more than I think they do.” “I perform better in situations than I think I do.” “And I only imagine rejection.” Recalling these three proven points boosts confidence as you face your next challenge.
4. Make a jitters list - Compile a list of people and situations - past, present, future, and general - that make you feel like you have a wrecking ball in your chest and dripping sponges in your hands. Make it very specific, including even the names of the people who intimidate you.
5. Categorize your qualms - Take your list of situations that make you as shaky as a wet dog from the list made in last shybuster. Then rearrange the inventory from the activity you find the least challenging right on up to the ones that make you wake up in a cold sweat.
6. Construct your staircase of doable steps - Break each terrifying situation from your list in the last shybuster into less scary small steps. Make sure each step is climbable. Even if you’re feeling pretty confident and cocky about one step when you get to it, don”t skip it. Just do it quickly before moving up. You build a more solid base when you follow your plan.
7. Do the demented duck exercise - You think I’m kidding about this exercise? Absolutely not! Act like a demented duck on speed in the morning. Get loony. Get loud. Get unglued . . . from shyness. Explode your energy sky-high in the morning, then let it settle gradually. It works a lot better than trying to haul it up out of a hole.
8. Detonate ten-second “blasts of animation” - Sure it’s tough. But how bad can being animated for ten seconds be? Light your internal sparkler in short bursts at appropriate moments, and you will see the spark spread like wildfire. As you see people warming up, you will instinctively light it again and again. You can become as much of a fireball of energy as you wish.
9. Take the “Master’s position” - Whenever you catch yourself in that “Beat me again, Master” body language, snap out of it. Throw your shoulders back. Stand in the middle of the room. Sit in the highest seat. Take the “power position” at a table.
· Walk through the middle of a door. Don’t fidget. Make large, fluid movements - the signs of confidence go on and on. Train your body to do these moves until they become second nature.
· When you are at a gathering, do not stand close to the wall or by the snacks. Walk directly to the dead center of the room. That’s the place where all the important people gravitate.
· When you are going through a large door or open double doors, don’t walk on one side. March straight through the middle. It signifies confidence.
· At a restaurant, unless there is an established hierarchy, go for the seat at the end of the table facing the door. That is the power position.
· Sit in the highest chair in a meeting or on the arm of the couch - but not higher than the boss!
· make larger, fluid movements. Confident people’s bodies occupy more space. Shys take as little space as possible, as if to say, “Excuse me for taking up this much of the earth.”
· Keep your hands away from your face. Never fidget.
· When you agree with someone, nod your head up from neutral (jaw parallel to the floor), not down.
· When passing someone, be the last to break eye contact.
· For men: Don’t strut like a bantam rooster. But to look like a leader, swing your arms more significantly when you walk. When you are seated, put one arm up on the back of a chair.
· For women: To seem self-assured, square your body toward the person you’re talking to and stand a tad closer. Naturally, give a big smile, but let it come ever-so-slightly slower. That way it looks sincere, not nervous.
· And, of course, need I ever mention posture?
10. Practice on geriatric eyes - After you’ve gained confidence with younger eyes, start at the other end of the spectrum. Make eye contact with the over-seventy set. Then work your way down to the over sixties, and so on, until you can look comfortably into the eyes of people your age.
11. Go for people who want your eyeballs - Walk through a department store and make brief eye contact with every salesperson. They are eager for your smile and glance. Women, when you feel comfortable, stroll through the men’s department and make eye contact with the salesmen there. Men, when you can make eye contact with the cosmetics clerks, you’ll know you’ve graduated from beginners’ eye contact.
12. Say “I like you” silently during eye contact - While keeping eye contact with someone, silently say to yourself, “I like you.” Now you’re right on target with timing for your eye contact and smile. Soon it will become second nature, and you can chunk this crutch.
13. Make faces at yourself in the mirror - get to know your smile, from the inside, from the outside, from the right and left. Feel the difference between grinning and grimacing. Know when you are leering like a lecher or smirking like a stalker. Only when you know how each feels can you polish yours to a confident, friendly, and welcoming smile. You’ll know you’ve succeeded when you see your eyes getting into the act.
14. Smile at their “inner selves” - Lest this sound too touchy-feely, let me explain. Search for something special, funny, or nice about everyone who comes into your line of sight. Concentrate on that and a smile comes up from your gut, naturally. Find any excuse to smile! Does the lady in the bank line have a cute little kid? Smile at her. Did the driver of the car next to yours sneeze? smile at him. Did someone smile at you? Make sure you smile back! Like any exercise the more you do it, the easier - and better - it gets.
15. Smile at them for their sake, not yours - Put your shyness in the background. Avoiding eye contact, looking away, not smiling, not greeting someone - these are all signs of snobbishness. It’s a fact. People don’t immediately recognize shyness, so what do you expect them to think? Smile and be friendly so that they don’t feel hurt and think that you are something worse than shy!
16. Don’t skip, shirk, or accept defeat - If you find a challenge exceptionally difficult, do not skip it or chuck it. It can be habit forming and you’ll be saying “Hello” to Shy again. To gain confidence, you must do each shybuster pretty much in the order you assigned yourself. You designed your own program. Vow to stay with it! If you skip one step, go back and do it twice the next day.
17. Take a part-time job - Take an evening or weekend job working with people. Make it a situation where you are being judged not as “you” but as the role you are playing: department store salesperson, door-to-door survey taker, taxi driver. The “anything-but-totally-me” experience is a great way to get people practice in a safe, nonjudgmental environment.
18. Set yourself specific party goals - When you go to a party, set yourself some goals, such as “look everyone in the eyes,” “have a pleasant, relaxed expression on my face,” “smile broadly at a few people - the host, an acquaintance, an attractive other.”You must introduce yourself to one person in the ten-minuter, two in the thirty-minuter . . . and so on. Ten minutes at the party practicing your social skills is far more effective than staying an hour and letting yourself get tense.
19. Speak first - In conversation, being a “me firstie” is a good thing for a Shy. When encountering an acquaintance anywhere, be the first to say, “Hi. How are you?,” “Good to see you,” “How have you been?,” or the like. When you express it with enthusiasm, you exude friendliness and confidence. Remember, people form an opinion of you in the first ten seconds. And again each time you meet. Why waste the first five in uncontrollable silence waiting for them to greet you?
20. Use the comment-question technique - When someone asks, “How are you?” don’t just respond with the traditional, “I’m fine. And you?” That aborts the conversation before it ever takes off. Extend it by adding a sentence about your day. Then ask a related question and you immediately earn a place on his or her “confident and friendly colleagues” list.
21. Practice storytelling on your goldfish - It doesn’t have to be what you had for breakfast, of course. It can be anything. Talk to your goldfish (or dog, cat, marsupial, or mirror) for five or six minutes in a voice with lots of energy and variety - and very few pauses. In conversations with humans, of course, you must have pauses so they can interject their thoughts. However, since your goldfish probably won’t have anything interesting to interject, keep on talkin’.
22. Ask “keep talking” questions - Leave “uh huh” and “OK” to the robot crowd. Throw out some “Who?” “What?” “When?” “Where?” “Why?” and “How?” questions. Your conversational companion will be thrilled that you want to hear more - and you won’t feel pressured to come up with convivial and clever conversation.
23. Use their moniker - in moderation - Say someone’s name in greeting and parting. It makes him or her feel as warm and fuzzy as a furball. But beware - if you use it too much, it comes across as a nervous habit and makes that someone feel as warm and fuzzy as a Brilo pad.
24. Bat the ball back to your listener - After using all of the Shybusters to become an excellent conversationalist, don’t forget one of the most important elements. Be sure to turn the conversation around and ask your listener how he or she feels about a particular topic. Listen to his or her opinion. Then follow up with some thoughts on what he or she said. Then repeat this Shybuster over again. That’s what comfortable and confident communicating is all about!
25. Find your passion and purpose - Do some deep thinking on what causes you care about the most. Something you really care about. Then search the Internet and newspapers for groups or meetings on the subject. If your town has an alternative or underground paper, those are usually rich sources of a wide variety of organizations and meetings. But don’t join just anything. Find something you are fervent about and go for it. Let your passion drive your shyness out.
26. Design your own “Dare-a-Day” program - Assign yourself one challenge weekly from your list (Make a jitters list) of intimidating situations. Then split it into daily assignments and do each one in order. If you’re not satisfied with your performance, slot your daily dare in a second time. And a third and a fourth - until you’ve licked it. Shys, do not skip this one. It is crucial to your goal of being shy-free.
27. Make a mental movie of yourself handling goof-ups with grace - Think of all of the horrendously humiliating situations that could possibly happen to you in a social situation. Then, with a cool head, look at each scene and ask yourself what somebody should do in that situation. Nine times out of ten, you’ll be right on target. Now visualize yourself responding to each situation exactly as you’ve planned. The ghost of Amy Vanderbilt will give you a standing ovation. And you’ll be prepared for whatever comes your way.
28. Act your way to confidence - Being somebody else on stage does wonders for playing the most important role of your life - your most confident self. Take an acting class. After using larger movements, a louder voice, and good eye contact on stage, you’ll be just as dynamic at the last night closing party - and in many more social situations to come.
